i try to be a bitch

i try to be gross

i dont want that type of attention

i dont want you to “like” me

i dont want you to want me

but it doesnt work.

if you were to tell me 4 years ago, or even 2, that this is what my life would be like today, i never would have believed it.
its hard for me to really acknowledged that this is my life.
these things that ive done, and continue to do, are not things i would have ever even considered trying even a year and a half ago.
its weird, because i dont feel as if ive ever changed. i feel like im still the same innocent little girl ive always been.
but im not. nor will i ever be again….

and no one i know will ever be the same innocent kids i once knew them as.
i feel like my childhood has completely shattered.
if this is what growing up is, im not so sure i like it anymore. 

what.
the.
fuck. 

seriously. every time.
what the fuck? 

seriously. my whole life fucking life i’ve been waitlisted.
im just the back-up. fall through. rebound. plan b. the last resort.

i guess i’m just not good enough for anything, or anyone. but if the first choice doesnt work out, well, i’m always available because im not good enough for anyone else, either.

fuck my life. im done not being good enough, or being anyone’s second choice.
im done with getting caught up in other people’s shit. honestly, at this point, i just dont care anymore. i dont have anymore hopes to get up, or feelings left to be hurt, or emotions left to be drained on anything involving anyone else. its not even worth it. nothings worth it. i’m (obviously) not worth it.

slowly but surely, i’m already healing.

this is good.